This past spring, I started hearing LOUD and insistent intuitive guidance that I needed to make some serious changes in how I was showing up in life. Mostly in my business—although this echoed into other areas as well. And I’m not talking about making a few subtle tweaks that could fly under the radar with the hopes of no one noticing—as calling attention to myself in the face of confronting personal shadows is something I would certainly rather avoid at all costs.
No, pretty much everything HAD to change. I had to prioritize living from a completely new approach and work exertion had to be ENERGETICALLY CORRECT. I was off track. I had started going through the motions and was not living authentically to the most whole and joyful version of myself. I was feeling lost and pressured despite throwing a ton of effort into going to the next level in my business. It felt like a lot of movement with zero lasting momentum. I had to re-evaluate and go deeper into the landscape of my self worth.
I surrendered my neurotic hyper-driven work ethic for idling in neutral.
I had questions. Why, after doing ALL “the things” recommended to grow, was my sense of fulfillment in what I was doing deflating like a sad balloon? And why weren’t these things working for ME? What was wrong with me? I showed up and I put forth the effort, so why was I stuck?
Funny thing when I wasn’t compulsively “doing,” I slowed down enough to hear the guidance coming through me, and the answers to the hard questions were within me, not in all the external influencers and influences I was desperately trying to emulate.
This was also a time to double down on setting clear energetic boundaries with people and promises that I could no longer keep at the expense of my well being. I had to get up close and personal with what I was no longer available for. What was depleting my essence. Energy leaks that needed mending—even impacting my family—whoa, ok I am paying attention. I had to SLOW it all down.
After investing time, resources, and money into training and travel—learning that I was overwhelmed sucked. It was frustrating! It felt like failure. I wanted to resist it and just keep going—with all that pushing and trying that a struggling entrepreneur is “supposed” to DO. Hearing all the voices and programmed to: Just keep going! Stay steady! Success is not a straight path.
I’ve always been one to put my head down and get to WORK. Pushing my body and even relationships at times to the limits to keep moving toward that imaginary finish line of RELIEF. I made agreements and set expectations that I would be the one to save the day, get it done, and be whatever or whoever you needed me to be. I was manically trying to MANIFEST all the time.
When you’re feeling bitterness instead of joy about what you get to do with your time, your days, and your life, it’s a new low.
But I loved my business—I was proud of everything I had created and facilitated, and didn’t want to throw in the towel. I wanted to be seen and, BUT not like this. It was not from a place of authentic magnetism—it was from struggle and bitterness.
So, in addition to slowing down to re-evaluate, I took 100% responsibility for what I was allowing to trigger me in my business. And the part I was playing and had been playing all my life. Willing to push myself to the brink for the super satisfying drug of APPROVAL.
In practically an instant I knew that I wanted HARMONY more than approval. Harmony with myself and my family and I was no longer willing to energetically hijack myself.
My body knew it too. At this point, I was frying my circuits and had been trying to fully function with mystery symptoms for a few years—being a mom, leader of a busy household, and entrepreneur with hormonal imbalances critical enough to have a standing weekly appointment with an adrenal fatigue specialist from another state for an entire year. I had lost the baseline of feeling normal. Good days I could do all the things until about 5 p.m., and by then I was flat, fatigued and waiting for kids to settle and take the first chance to go to bed. Irony? I was operating in complete contradiction to the “sustainable” wellness that I actually branded myself and my business upon.
Finally, I was unwilling to continue along into my 40s with a predisposition to self-induced burnout. I intuitively knew my aura needed a serious detox, and my body needed the support of a gentle healing.
My energetic field must be strong and clean of anything that could be toxic to vibrating fully in my self worth. Women who are deeply connected to themselves are NEXT LEVEL powerful. That is the gift, the silver lining of struggle. Honoring that deep connection is now what I am most excited to work on.
Shortly after starting summer practically on self-induced bed rest, I started to see the magic of hitting this particular rock bottom (there have been others). I was being called to step into more of my purpose. Learning these lessons and discovering specific tools that were so very supportive is a powerful part of the journey. These were messages that I would have to share with someone else.
My strategy in this healing phase was to follow my bliss and dive into learning what lights me up.
Enter, Human Design
What was immediately obvious and such a profound RELIEF is that I had been operating and trying to be and DO like an energy type I’m not.
Human design is our energetic DNA—our blueprint—and it showed me that I’m not here to do the “doing.” My gift is in understanding another and guiding. My energy actually works ideally in spurts, not in long intense working stretches. All I’ve been trying to accomplish with my mind will automatically manifest when aligned with my design and by listening to my body.
We’re encoded at birth with an energy type that tells the story of who we are and our highest expression. An imprint of living true to who we are. And low and behold, trying to be something or another energy you are not will impact your experience of attracting abundance, your ease, and magnetism. There are 2 billion configurations and spending energy trying to be, live, or do leads to burnout.
After mentoring and witnessing many entrepreneurial women feeling like they didn’t measure up or get results or feeling that they were stuck, this system spoke to me as a powerful coaching tool.
This system fosters a connection to our WORTH. A cry of relief that we are not like everyone else and that is our SUPERPOWER!
There are stories and themes in our charts that tell the story of leadership, money, relationship, rest requirements, work habits, how we are wired to help another or show up in our relationships.
There were answers here for questions I had always had. And when we’re trying to be something we’re not, the energy design will always win. We do not have to be hijacked, depleted, and compromised to manifest our wildest dreams.